floodwater dreams + empathy mgmt

I had a floodwater dream this morning, the first since I can remember. I don’t feel stressed or otherwise overwhelmed in my life, but things are about to get more full-on at uni when the subject about psychotherapeutic models begins. There was a dream before this where I had gone adventuring with a friend and we had for some reason not taken my camping gear ~ he had his, but there was a feeling that me having my gear was unimportant (not that I would cope without it, but that if I didn’t cope it wasn’t important ~ like, my needs were unimportant).

While writing about this I checked my various channels for messages and there were messages from two women friends who have been confiding in me a lot lately (about their traumas and consequent insecurities). I read these messages while significant numbers were displaying on my phone ~ 44%4:00am (first message from one friend), and 43%4:03am (message from the other friend). After reading these messages I saw a video from Bored Panda’s feed about chocolate makers who had sculpted Atlas, replete with world-symbol on his shoulders.

After the camping dream I woke up, and it was too early to get out of bed because I was still tired, but my mind was too active to sleep (thinking mostly about what uni work I will prioritise today). I eventually must have slept, until I woke from the flooding dream.

In that dream I was coasting down some really nice slopes on my bicycle. They were grassy but firm and my bike is good for those conditions. I was really hookin along, around curves and down sudden gradients, no worries. There were some muddy patches I thought would unsaddle me, but they didn’t. There were some places where water was lapping at the track. I reached the bottom of a valley and saw that floodwaters had engulfed the path ahead, brown and surging. I tried to backtrack but the waters were coming from that way now too and I was stuffed. I woke up just as the waters began to lift me.

Another question I have is about a dream that was accompanied by an experience IRL. I had been awake studying since about 3 or 4 (my typical waking hours, which I accommodate by going to be around 8 or 9), and I did my sadhana around 10 or 11, which this day included yoga nidra. I got about 5 mins into the session before I fell asleep (unusual). I slept for nearly an hour and woke up from a dream where I was asleep in a chair in an outdoor-setting on a verandah. A young girl wanted my attention from inside the house behind a sliding glassdoor, but I couldn’t make my eyes open to be present for her. It was distressing for me that I couldn’t keep my eyes open ~ I wanted to give her the attention she needed.

When I woke up and turned my phone on there was a msg from one of these friends, who for a few days had been saying she wanted to confide in me about a recent dating trauma she had experienced. The message was somewhat leading (asking what was happening for me at the time ~ she must have messaged during the time I was doing the yoga nidra and/or having the dream). Her and I identified a few months ago that we are twinflame soulmates. It’s not a romantic or sexual relationship, but we connected immediately when we met a few years ago, didn’t see each other for years, and have since reconnected and begun to notice there are distinct parallels in our lives and the paths we took independently to get where we are now.

I called her when I had composed myself from this paradoxically exhausting sadhana, and we spoke on the phone for half an hour or so, during which time she wasn’t able to express what had happened on the traumatic date, saying it was too painful to speak about. She texted me about it after we got off the phone, and it was indeed an experience that no one should allow themselves to have, calling into question all sorts of things about boundaries and in/abilities to say ‘no’.

During the phone call and immediately after, I felt profoundly exhausted and unable to take a full breath (as though I was deep in anxiety, but instead of anxiety I just felt numb and tired). I wondered if it was because I had too much coffee that morning and was having a caffeine crash. But I should have woken up restored from the yoga nidra. It wasn’t until a few hours later, when I noticed that I was once again full of beans (no pun intended) and ploughing through some uni readings, that I wondered if maybe I had picked up on what she was feeling.

I found an interesting empathy quiz the other day, and learned that, according to the model behind that quiz, I am an “authentic empath”. I’ve been wondering more and more lately about how much of what I feel is actually “my stuff” and how much is stuff I pick up from people and the environment around me. This phone-call case was especially extreme and I’m still learning how to manage the boundaries between my empathy and other people’s suffering.

I don’t know what my question is exactly. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. But if anyone has some resources about how to manage unruly empathy, I would appreciate that very much. Thank you.

~~~

featured image by Silvia Cordedda

God, suffering and evolution

6:27am50%
30.01.18 ~ 15/6

For whatever reason, I feel meh, today and yesterday. It may be due to coming off grains, one of the most insidious drugs we are addicted to. I’m back at Mum’s for a couple of weeks before I move to Darra, and it may be due to that re-entry problem: my life is settling down, and the prospect of doing something wit it is quite daunting, compared with the liminal space I’ve been in for so long, where I was able to imagine my life without feeling like I had to actually actualise it.

It’s an opportunity though, this feeling, because what I’m feeling is that general existential discontent: the mundane world feels meaningless because there is a disconnect from the supramundane; this feeling (though I cannot explicitly name it, beyond the word ‘discontent’) is the consequence of feeling a disconnect from Spirit.

This is the feeling we are otherwise distracting ourselves from, and for this reason (though it seems paradoxical) I know I’m doing the right thing, on the same right path, because this feeling motivates me to continue shaping my life so that it more readily connects with Spirit: the feeling is present because I am distracting myself less, become more sensitive to the iner and outer environment ~ discontent is an evolutionary signal akin to pain, telling us we need to change, adapt, grow.

These feelings are the teething problems we are facing as we emerge into a new stage in the evolution of consciousness. The act of long-handing ~ the craft of it ~ is helping, because it is like the work of any artisan, the process of bringing the Ideal down/into the Real is a process that creates meaning.

Having exercises, practices or projects that cultivate meaning, though, is not quite enough ~ these are not reliable sources of ~refuge~, for I know all too well how it feels to have these relative sources of meaning inaccessible. When we are deprived of these external sources, we suffer. So the trick is to be able to extract meaning from each of our moments, waking or otherwise, whether we are actively creating meaning or not.

Even this requires an ongoing practice of communion to continually refresh our Connection, which we also need to continually drop until we realise ~enlightenment~ (which we also need to drop), which is not even a reliable source anymore, for me at least … I’m currently feeling quite jaded about enlightenment (hence the tildes), which is probably a good thing as well, because of all attachments, attachment to enlightenment is perhaps the most corrosive of our wellbeing: to yearn for enlightenment is to spurn our current state, which is the only state we will ever have.

To further confuse the matter, it is probably true that we are always already enlightened, and it is only our refusal/inability to accept our current state that prevents us from realising/seeing this in each moment.

I didn’t at all intend to come here and write about enlightenment. I guess I’m just telling it as it comes.

I actually have a whole new view of enlightenment lately, from which I draw a deep sense of comfort. There’s another set of scribbles upstairs somewhere about how it’s not that we have lost our connection with Spirit, but more like we are coming into a time where our Connection is becoming stronger.

There is a common tendency among the discontented (such as myself, who feel the disconnect at an individual level) to say the problem with the modern age is that we have lost contact with the numinous force that animates the universe. (If we had, wouldn’t we be dead/nothing?) This almost constitutes a kind of blame, because behind such claims (at least when I have made them) is a rueing of the fact that our culture or ‘the society’ has become less ~spiritual~, a claim that comes from minds that seem to have forgotten that we are culture: if our culture is less spiritual, it’s because we have allowed it to develop this way, from which it follows that we can develop a more spiritual culture by making it so in our own lives.

Of course it’s hard to steer ourselves away from the dominant forces informing our culture (such as consumerism and scientific materialism), but this difficulty does not negate our individual responsibility to make our own lives more spirited. Fortunately, the forces are so strong that (~according to Newton~) any opposing force must be equal to or greater than the prevailing force, so that when the dam wall of discontent finally does reach a critical mass, the floodwaters in the direction opposing materialism will be such that all our false beliefs will be swept away and in their place will come a new form of enlightened humanity.

I promise, I did not sit down with the express intention to write about this either, enlightened humanity, but here we are.

A large part of my discontent comes from the welling up of ideas I don’t quite know how to express. I have an almost irrepressible tendency to fill myself up with ideas in my ongoing search for meaning (read: my ongoing search for distractions), and when I don’t have an outlet for these I get stuck, a kind of metaphysical constipation: I gorge myself on ideas that I seem to digest okay, but which I cannot digest express … and in that long-hando lies a clue: if I can’t express them, then I cannot have truly digested them.

Another large part of my discontent comes from having had a few ‘awakening experiences’ I have not yet been able to fully integrate. In deed, that feeling I mention above, the whole idea/experience of living as a human in the ‘mundane’ world after an awakening experience, is a subject I need to investigate, a primary subject of the book I’m writing ~ and I guess it’s something I’m investigating through experience. Those moments of non-abiding awakening (and the accumulation of trauma leading up to them) were a massive wake-up call, awakening me to the reality of non-ordinary realms of consciousness we can and need to access if we want to heal from our traumas and grow healthily into the new age of humanity.

When I really allow myself to think and feel about it, [10:33am30.01.08], I understand that much of my discontent has come from or comes from the frisson of being a human who has tasted his divinity and then let it out of his … *ahem*, grasp. But they have propelled and compelled me, onward and upward!

Since my first awakening experience in 2015 I have understood that expression is an antidote for depression, the inverse of which is … obvious. The weight of depression becomes all the more burdensome when the ideas needing expression come from direct experience of the ineffable. So I’m going to add the following to the page Psychosis or Spiritual Awakening, because it’s all part of the story that is teaching me things about myself and the true nature of reality. These are my interpretations of my experience, that is all. I’m including it here as well because I can’t quite extract it from this post yet, without the whole thing falling apart.

~ ~ ~

Around the time in 2015 when I first began to realise I might be experiencing ~depression~, there was a period of three to four weeks where I was manifesting the symptoms of what might be called bipolar disorder, except that I was more manic than I was depressed … unipolar disorder? (What even is bipolar anyway? Aren’t we all … isn’t everything … characterised by polarity? Isn’t that what the dualist human experience is? And isn’t it a tautology to say ‘bipolar’? Something can’t be tripolar, because that messes with the whole notion of polarity/duality. One or something can be unipolar though ~ stuck at one extreme of the polarity.)

One thing I realised (apart from the maxim, expression is the antidote for depression) is that maybe I had been depressed my whole life, the same as I had been deluded my whole life (see above, January 2017), because:

the peace, joy and awe I was frequently experiencing was like nothing I had experienced before;

the symptoms of depression ~I found on Google~ described feelings I had been having off-and-on my whole life.

In the state of hyper-awareness (and perhaps because of the life-regression practices I was somewhat-recklessly experimenting with) I was experiencing that month, I had a computational power I hadn’t known before (and which has since only been exceeded in January 2017), a power of ad hoc analytical meditation with which I was able to track back through experiences in my life I had been previously doing my darndest to forget, and I saw patterns of depression and even suicidal tendencies going right back into my early childhood. [This is what I talk about when I talk about the power of suffering to catalyse profound spiritual evolution.] (I used to daymare about running away from home and hiding in the creek to hold my breath until I died, certain that not only would I not be missed, but that my absence would be welcomed and celebrated by my ~family of origin~.

Now, to just call a spade a spade for a moment: that’s profoundly fucked up. ~My childhood wasn’t even that bad~, which is a stupid thing to say, because it negates the extent of my suffering (and if you’re reading this and you were belittled and neglected by your father and brother, then it has the potential to negate yours as well, which is the last thing I wanna do), and something we need to talk about as a community is the idea that to have suffered trauma in childhood you don’t need to have been [*TRIGGER WARNING*] raped or tortured:

putting aside the trauma of our clinical birth practices and the profoundly maladjusted society we live in from the moment we exit the womb, wailing, it is profoundly traumatic to feel unrequited love for your family in the formative years of your life, and potentially more problematic than having been actively tortured, because the wounds go unacknowledged for being ~not serious~.

Russel Brand talks about this, that ‘minor’ addictions that don’t wreak havoc in your life can be more problematic because they go unrecognised. Other addictions, such as workaholism and consumerism, are actively celebrated, applauded. Hardcore addiction/suffering can catalyse profound spiritual awakenings. Our mediocre suburban traumas can do the same. the events and their causes are on a spectrum, the same order of event to different degrees ~ our addictions to chemicals and behaviours are also on a spectrum, meaning we are all addicted to something.

There’s a line in the book I’m using as a mousepad right now:

During these first years of life, environmental conditions are crucial. On top of the basics of physical safety, food, and shelter, a sense of belonging is essential for all subsequent stages of development. A fragile sense of belonging can leave the individual prone to lifelong anxiety.

This is from Ego, which makes a compelling case for the probability that human suffering is and has always been driving our evolution through what they call the ‘post-conceptual’ revolution, comparable only to the conceptual revolution 50 000 years ago.

Reading this (and the whole book) was a bombshell for me, who (it was conceded to recently by Mum) was ‘always a rather anxious child, always worried about being liked’. That I didn’t inherently feel liked, or have a strong sense of belonging, could have been treated as a red flag, but instead I was frequently derided for being ‘too sensitive’, for ‘taking things too much to heart’ and for not having a thick enough skin.

I don’t want to have a thick skin! Who wants to be a dinosaur!? I want to be sensitive ~ it’s a quality, goddamn it!

I know now that my family did the best they could, but I evidently didn’t know this at the time, and an (un)fortunate paradoxical of family relations is that best is often still not good enough, because we’re all still a bit fucked up ~ Philip Larkin has a great poem about this:

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
….They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
….And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
….By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
….And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
….It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
….And don’t have any kids yourself.

This historical reality is one of the reasons we need to take all of those ‘basics’

[55%3:33pm! ~ destiny number being 5, tolerance of diversity/backgrounds, these are the numbers I received after receiving a call from P~~~ about where he’s at!]

we have secured for ourselves in the twenty-first century and begin putting them to use in the pursuit of thrival.

That said, it could be that our persistent failure to learn from the mistakes of history and the lives of our parents/ancestors is a fundamental and necessary quality of the human condition: without this paradox we would never encounter the cause to grow (the cause being suffering and the growth coming from the search to end, or at least transmute, that suffering). The Buddhists have a great teaching about this in the lojong: we can choose to feel grateful for our suffering because it gives us an opportunity to practise the dharma, and because a skilful response to suffering purifies our karma.

So this is not about my parents or my brother or ~the society~: this is just my lot, my karma. And I always, for some reason, had enough grit (enough knowing) to turn my childhood suffering into a cause to never be mean to others (a resolution I haven’t always been able have f(l)ailed to keep). I became a gregarious little boy despite (or because of) being relentlessly bullied by (among others) two of the main actors on the stage of my boyhood universe.

I bring this up only because these were important insights I had during that month in 2015, powerful catalysts for understanding what was happening to me. I see now that the suffering I had experienced throughout my life became a major catalyst for the awakening experience I had in that month. The accumulation of that suffering had gathered enough force that it broke me, but instead of exploding outward into a mess of retaliative fury, I broke inward … I imploded, and the weight of suffering drove me deep toward realising the true nature of myself.

So I suppose that when I say it broke me, I mean it broke ‘me’, the illusion of the ‘I-sense’ ~ at least, it put a bloody big dent in it, because it wasn’t until January 2017 that I had a genuine experience of no longer identifying one-hundred per cent with my ego.

I didn’t exactly see it this way in 2015, but I knew something profound was happening, and despite a few fleeting concerns about the state of my mental health, I didn’t feel sick ~ on the contrary, I knew that I had been sick my whole life and that now I was feeling healthier than ever: joy, wonder and awe … these are signs of good health.

Those concerns about my mental health (which I experienced to a similar extent in January 2017) were, I believe, due to the unfamiliarity of the experience ~ we are so familiar with our ego-identification that when it falls away, it can be scary and we can wonder if we are going insane. We are not ~ at least, most of the time we are not: pathological psychosis is almost certainly a thing, but all psychosis is not necessarily pathological.

This might be a good time to break down my interpretation of the word ‘psychosis’, though I feel like a broken record because I’m sure it’s scribbled down somewhere, and may even already be published on this site

When I say ‘awe’, I mean awe: there were moments in that month, around the full moon, when I stepped outside my girlfriend’s house, looked into the sky and understood that in the moon I was seeing the eye of God, and that God was watching over me. It should be noted here that I am essentially an atheist: when I say “God” I mean cosmos, and when I say ‘cosmos’ I mean divine order, as understood by the Ancient Greeks, so when I say ‘divine order’ I mean the antonym of chaos.

[8:03~4am48% ~ lojong reminder: do not seek out sorrow as a condition for happiness, replete with extra-long phone vibration

|
~> “This means that we should not hope for others’ sorrow as a means for our happiness.” Der.

Does it though? It can mean whatever I want it to mean, and I choose for it to mean “don’t over-identify with misery”, and it means I need to question whether suffering is necessarily a catalyst for joy: it can be transmuted, yes, but this doesn’t mean that one should seek it out ~ once suffering has done its work, we can move on to non-suffering, whereby we choose to not suffer when we experience pain (pain being, of course, an evolutionary signpost).]

When we suffer pain as a kind of evil, we live with a bias that chaos (disorder) is more predominant than cosmos (order), which is not true: the universe is profoundly and precisely balanced ~ it is only our perception that convinces us otherwise.

When we shed this bias in these moments of temporary (non-abiding) awakening, our lives are funda-mentally trans-formed because we have, for a moment, seen beyond the veil of our ego delusions. When I told a friend about this experience of ‘seeing God’ in the moon (and other experiences from that month), he said, “Congratulations!, you’ve seen through the matrix”, which, obviously, is a statement loaded with (un)fortunate pop-cultural references, but it’s a statement that points (as the finger points at the moon) at the same ineffable truth alluded to in the quote from Alan Watts above: we are all (aspects of) God; our misperception of the world this truth is what causes our suffering, and our suffering catalyses the experience of perceiving this truth, which is that, like God, the universe is equal parts benign and malign, and perfectly balanced whether we accept that balance or not.

To perceive the universe as predominantly one or the other (benign or malign) constitutes a profoundly and uniquely human pathology we must all go through before we emerge from our delusions into the light of awareness (of balance and truth).

From this perspective (of equanimity, of profound acceptance of all that is), we can begin to see that depression is not an illness (a malignant mental disorder) but a symptom (a benign psychological balm that is helping to bring us back toward order, as puss heals a wound). From this perspective we can begin to accept suffering as a necessary evolutionary force, which … *takes a deep breath* … might actually constitute an answer to the question, “Why does God allow suffering?”

I promise I did not sit down to answer this question this morning ~ this is just where my mind goes when I let it free.

God ~allows~ suffering because we allow ourselves to ask that question from the misconception (from the false assumption) that God is all-loving [4:15pm54%], which is a lie we tell ourselves because we lied to ourselves about ~man~ being made in the image of God: believing this, we are able to deny our shadow (another pathological behaviour that only humans are capable of). God is not all-loving: God is a bastard, the only unbegotten sun. God ~allegedly~ arose out of nothing ~ it doesn’t get much more illegitimate than that. We want to believe God is all-loving because then we can delude ourselves about our own nature.

We, who have made God in our image (not the other way round), are not all-loving. We are hateful cunts. Admit it. The moment we admit this in ourselves is the moment we see that God, who we made in our image, is equal parts yoni and lingham, yin and yang, Christ and anti-Christ, as … are … we, the whole fucking lot of us. To deny this is to be not-human ~ or else it is to be human after the image we have created of God, which is deluded, pathological and … just straight-up confusing.

I really did not intend to arrive at this point by sitting down to write this mourning.

All I really wanted to say is that depression is not an illness and suffering is not malign. It’s all just a matter of perspective. [3033 words]

Actually I sat down to write about feeling meh. I feel much better now, so this has been a case study in action ~ expression is an antidote to depression. What follows from this is that suppression and oppression are causes of depression, but that’s a subject for another day.

I am not the first person to say ‘depression is a call to spiritual awakening’ (in deed, I stole that from Jeff Foster), but I am the first person I know directly who has experienced this as a first-hand reality. (I mean, there’s Eckhart Tolle, but obviously he’s just an ~illuminati avatar~, right?) An extension of this view is that ‘psychosis’ is not necessarily a pathology, and may indeed be an experience that is more conducive to true health than any drug that may be prescribed to prevent.

our bodies are the temple

Dieta

I am beginning to learn, through research and experience, just how important our body is to our mental, emotional and psychological wellbeing, and what follows from this is the importance of diet.

I call it dieta because: 1) that extra a, from the Spanish, seems to lift the seriousness from the idea of dieting; 2) I picked up the word watching a documentary about shamanism, and the main motivating force behind diet for me is to have a cleaner body so I can be more in touch with what’s going on internally (in terms of digestion, but also and moreso in terms of emotions and psychic movements … pun intended 😉

I also think of all this as more like a yogic diet than just a diet diet, because that for me carries connotations of this being more about dietary choices that I hope will persist over a lifetime rather than about a few austerities I will observe temporarily as though my life were nothing more than a series of passing fads.

One of my early bosses (who was an alcoholic and chain smoker) used to say (ironically), ‘My body is a temple.’ I never really understood what this meant, but since then I have had some divine/mystical experiences that were the consquence of clean-eating and dedicated spiritual practices, so I know the body~mind partnership is capable of some truly transcendental stuff (holy shit), and I really want to begin to honour that some more.

I have also begun to notice that my general wellbeing is profoundly influenced by what I do and do not put into my body.

At the time of this writing I am 34, born 1983 in the Australian outer suburbs. Since that time the basic food pyramid has been turned on its head and, among other correlates, the gut~brain connection has been researched up the wazoo. We now know there are neurons in the heart and gut, not just the brain, and people are starting to use ‘second brain’ to refer to the gut.

When I was learning how to eat, it was mostly through mimicry in the suburbs, and my diet was (relatively) fine for the last 30 years or so, but I put that down to having been blessed with a profoundly strong constitution (physical and psychological), which is now beginning to show signs of wear and tear:

for a long time I was able to get away with eating a halfway-healthy diet, even though that included indiscrimate consumption of meat and other animal products, processed foods like commercial bread, plus wanton amounts of dairy and sugar, not to mention the various poisons of alcohol, commercial tobacco, caffeine and the hydroponic ‘biker bud’ I found myself smoking, which constitutes something of a segue to a sidenote:

It’s been 34 years since I started learning how to eat and feed myself, and it’s been about 19 years since I started scoring and smoking ganja. This was in the mid~late-90s and the Australian suburbs … skip forward to 2015 in c://maine (Castlemaine, VIC), which is essentially an outer suburb of Melbourne, where I asked my friend and dealer where our ganja was coming from ~ bikers, he said.

This was the year I first began to realise that maybe I was suffering depression and that the anxiety I was feeling maybe wasn’t normal. It was also the year I had my first major spiritual emergency. It was around then I started to realise that something needed to change if I wanted to ever feel like contentment, satisfaction, meaning and purpose were conditions I might feel frequently and consistently, and that something was gonna hafta to be me.

This tangent is getting a bit out of hand, when the only really important point is that the profound suffering (mixed with moments of transcendental joy and awe) that characterised that year were catalytic in promoting a search that lead to two realisations:

1) what I had absorbed about diet was no longer serving me, and food production had most likely changed radically in the preceding 30 years, but more (or less) importantly, 2) drug production had most likely changed radically in the last 20 years as well.

In the suburbs of the 90s I was probably smoking mostly homegrown or maybe some hydro that someone had come across. Now that I think about it, I do remember that ‘hydro’ was kind of a big deal back then, a new thing that was only just beginning to reach new levels of accessibility.

Skip forward again to c://maine, where the buzz was bush bud: whereas my buddies at high school would get excited because they had found some hydro that would get us really ‘whacked’, my friends in c://maine would get (mildly) excited when they came across some homegrown that would give us a nice, easy-going high.

So, things/times have changed, and the point of this long-winded tangent is that many factors influence our mental health, not just drug (ab)use: food, for example, is just another vehicle for chemicals that effect our mental states via the gut~brain, and as Dennis McKenna says anyway, “All experience is a drug experience” [12:33]:

Whether it’s mediated by our own [endogenous] drugs, or whether it’s mediated by substances that we ingest that are found in plants, cognition, consciousness, the working of the brain, it’s all a chemically mediated process. Life itself is a drug experience.

Apart from wanting to bust the myth that ‘marijuana causes depression’, I want to experiment with and illuminate experience and ideas around how everything we put into our bodies (including information) may cause depression (et al) if we are not wise about our choices.

The most illuminating experience I have had so far, experimenting with eliminating grains, is that both times I did this I suffered extreme bouts of insomnia. [12:36] I learned / was reminded of my own experience that eating grains has a profoundly soporific effect on the body, a great enabler of sleep.

It took me two of these experiments and a not-uncanny encounter with a friend to learn, from her, that if we want to just straight-up drop grains from our life, we need to be sure we have melatonin supplements, along with other herbal sleep supplements like valerian and hops, which I have now bought for any future experiments.

For these reasons and myriad others I am not yet aware of, I am documenting here the nature and contents of the dieta I am experimenting with, the details of which can be found on the sub-page, Dieta Detailia. [1:39]

the Western Way of consciousness evolution

“Mankind, more than is realised, is an expression of the part of the earth upon which he subsists. A rose of the West should not aspire to bloom like a lotus of the East.” ~ Gareth Knight, The Rose Cross and the Goddess, as quoted in The Western Way: A practical guide to the Western Mystery Tradition by Caitlín and John Matthews, from which I quote the following:

Magic, as we understand it, did not exist: the whole of life was magical, in one sense. Yet there was nothing within creation which was truly supernatural. These seemingly contradictory statements are resultant upon any attempt to enter the Foretime ~ wherein life was infused with the numinous nature of the gods ~ from the standpoint of today ~ wherein everything is explicable from a scientific premise.

Before we make that attempt we must understand where we are in relation to consciousness, for the Western Way is very much the path of consciousness and its evolution. Symbolic truth is as true now as it was in the Foretime, yet the means of that truth ~ often conveyed by image, story or music ~ changes as the consciousness of humanity evolves. According to the prevailing consciousness at any one historical cross-section of linear time, so will different levels of symbolic truth be revealed. The development and evolution of human consciousness is the motivating factor in the Western Way; it is the impulse which sets seekers upon the path, from shaman to scientist, determined to find the unifying factors of physical or outer life with spiritual life. The capacity to understand and equate these factors is dependent upon the level of consciousness brought to bear upon this search.

The first steps upon the way are taken within the Native Tradition [as compared to the Hermetic Tradition] where tribal or collective consciousness prevails: out of the tribe emerges the shaman who experiments with individual consciousness ~ the next step ~ by means of identifying with the numinous quality of creation as personified by the gods, by synthesising this experience and transmitting it in an appropriate form to the tribe. The necessary next step to individual consciousness is one which cannot be taken simultaneously by all: this evolution takes many generations and is partially achieved by the presence and work of the shaman and a growing body of initiates who have already begun to make the transition within the tribe. The Native Tradition of any country takes its people on the long journey from tribal to individual consciousness, just as its Hermetic or esoteric Tradition attempts to lead people from individual to cosmic consciousness, in which evolved humanity will perceive its collective responsibility. (Figure 2.)

Native Tradition ~~~~~~~~~~~>>> Hermetic Tradition

Tribal consciousness ~~~>>> Individual consciousness ~~~>>> Cosmic consciousness

The task of religions, both old and new, has been to inculcate this evolutionary process through the means at its disposal. The varying success of this movement can be gauged by a quick mental reconnoitre through one’s own life experience to date. In the Foretime this search was begun by means of contact with the mineral kingdom and with the earth’s vital energies, which led on to an understanding and personification of these energies with god-forms. While the Native Tradition works from the immediate and familiar forces of the earth towards an evolved understanding of a cosmic plan or single, centralised Deity, it is the way of the Hermetic Tradition to perceive the cosmic and hierarchical forces which motivate the universe and identify their operation within elemental and imagined god-forms, as we shall see in Volume 2. [Volume 1 being “The Native Tradition”.]

Currently, the Western World is still struggling to throw off the last vestiges of tribal consciousness which have not yet worked themselves out. The revival of the Old Religion under the form of the neo-pagan movement and renewed interest in the Native Traditions of many lands are resonances of this struggle: it is one wherein the best of the ancient ancestral wisdom is retrieved and the unregenerate forms discarded as inappropriate. We shall be looking closer at this phenomenon in Chapter 5 and assessing the development of the Native Tradition since the Foretime. But before we can follow the way of the earth and of the gods, before we take ship for the Otherworld, we must enter the world of the Foretime ~ the ‘once upon a time’ of our ancestors.

making meaning from awareness of pattern

Learning to commune with Spirit is a process that requires a huge amount of trust, a deep willingness to embrace uncertainty and allow Cosmos to speak to us through means we are often too quick to discount as woo-woo in this age where linear rationality and material reality reigns supreme.

I often find myself wondering, What even is Spirit?, like I’m some Native American wannabe, but we don’t have to be Indians to commune with Spirit. I use the term “Spirit” in my journalling practices because it’s a word that comes easily to mind for me and because it seems to speak of a higher power that is beyond me, but which I can access.

That said, I’m starting to see that Spirit is not beyond me, not some supranatural force that exists outside ~ and yet, it must be called upon to enter my life.

It’s confusing for me because so much of my meaning-making is done through a deeply conditioned dualist perspective. If I feel like I cannot navigate this human experience using only my human wits, then I must need to call in some suprahuman power to guide me. But the power I seek for guidance is precisely what makes us human.

To live without access to this inherent power guiding us is to be de-human: the dehumanising forces at large in the world are those that separate us from that which is naturally inside us ~ empathy, compassion, intuition, and faith in the knowledge that Spirit is within, if only we can learn to communicate with our unconscious.

I sense very strongly that Spirit is nothing more and nothing less than the deep wellsprings of wisdom that reside in those parts of our Being we are only dimly aware of.

[Three miner birds (who I believe are my primary Spirit guide) are visiting now, as I write this. My life-path number from Dan Millman’s interpretation of Pythagorean numerology is 30/3. Because I believe the whole external world is an expression of our total consciousness, I believe these birds have come to visit from my unconscious to convey to me the message that yes, these words are truth.]

Spirit is not some otherworldly force we must call in from outside ~ and yet, we must call it in: the wisdom of Spirit does not communicate with our conscious mind if we do not create the space for this communication to occur, so in a sense it is outside us, in the sense that in our hyper-rational modes it remains outside our conscious awareness until we expand our conscious awareness to include that which we are yet unconsciously aware of.

How do we do this? How do we expand our conscious awareness to include that which we are yet dimly aware of?

I believe a basic principle of learning to commune with Spirit ~ with that which is yet buried in our unconscious awareness ~ is to keep an eye out for patterns:

if you observe a pattern, honour it by taking some action to integrate whatever insight might have arrived through interpreting the meaning of the pattern; the more we observe, honour, interpret and integrate any messages we divine from the machinations of Spirit, the more Spirit knows how to communicate with us.

[7:07 ~ resuming this draft after having it pointed at (in a comment at 11:17) that I woke from a dream at 3:14 … pi.]

An example from my own experience is the observation of pattern in numbers.

During periods of rapid spiritual growth in the last few years I have begun to notice patterns in the numbers I observe around the place ~ 11:11 or 3:33 on a clock, 22 on a letterbox, then 022 at the end of a phone number, then 22% battery left on my phone, three ducks lined in the row of the timespace continuum.

Many a naysayer will poo-poo this as nothing but woo-woo: “You’re only seeing those patterns because you’re looking for them,” as though this negates the significance of our observations.

People who say this are evidently not aware that we make our own meaning. It may be questionable to conclude from developments in quantum theory that we create our own reality, but it seems beyond reasonable doubt that we make our own meaning by interpreting reality ~ in that sense we are certainly participants in the creation of reality, and what else is reality but what we interpret reality to mean.

I think we tend to forget that we make our own meaning ~ a consequence of an education system where we are taught what to think, not how to think.

But how did people arrive in the first place at the ideas we are taught at school? Through observations of pattern. Long before educational institutions were a thing, humans were left to their own devices to make the meaning that has gone on to inform the structures of our institutions. This process continues, and what follows from this is that by taking responsibility for the process of our own meaning-making, we also continue to inform the structures of our institutions.

We are the culture makers and the meaning brokers.

What are the devices we use to make meaning and create institutions? Our physical and metaphysical sense organs ~ our eyes and our minds.

So with my eyes I perceive patterns in number and with my mind I interpret what they mean (to me). (I have done some cursory and haphazard research into numerology, but I’m less interested in what, say, Dan Millman has to say about numbers than I am in what numbers mean to me. [7:31]

[7:33] So, for example, I finished long-handing this draft at 7:31 and by the time I was at the keyboard the clock read 7:33, which might make more sense if I enumerate what each number means for me at this point (some of these are pulled from Pythagoras via Dan Millman, others from a numerologist I once saw, and others, especially 5, are my own interpretation):

1 ~ certainty
2 ~ masculinity
3 ~ expression/communication and sensitivity/compassion (from Dan Millman)
4 ~ femininity
5 ~ the Cosmic Joke
6 ~ ?
7 ~ higher mind
8 ~ abundance
9 ~ completion

So I read the time period 7:31~7:33 (a period of 2 minutes) to mean assertive but compassionate communication about ideas from the higher mind, and this gives me confidence that what I’m composing is relevant and significant.

How have I arrived at this meaning? By observing a pattern, and honouring it by taking some action to integrate whatever insight might have arrived through interpreting the meaning of the pattern, and by trusting that wisdom arrives through metaphysical sense organs that process their own form on non-linear rationality.

I’ve started to keep a numbers journal, where I honour the pattern I have observed by noting the numbers I see and the thoughts or events occurring at the time. I don’t always know what the numbers mean, but simply noting their emergence into my conscious awareness is a way for me to integrate the broadening of my conscious awareness.

If I don’t know what the numbers mean, I trust that at least they are communicating to me that my path is unfolding appropriately. Sometimes in the darkest times when everything else around me seems meaningless and pointless, a numerical pattern will emerge and it reminds me that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I also honour observations of numerical pattern by taking screenshots on my phone, a simple action that says to Spirit, to my unconscious, Yes, I’m listening. So my phone memory is filled with screengrabs like this one:

Screenshot_2018-01-10-08-16-18
7:37pm 33% 7:34pm=7:7

I told a guy once that I had been seeing many auspicious numbers, and he poo-pooed it by saying “all numbers are auspicious ~ if you get too much into that you’ll just be left with a phone full of screengrabs that mean nothing”.

This is like the idea that we’re only seeing the patterns because we’re looking for them ~ in attempting to negate your insight, the naysayer unwittingly reveals a truth that undermines their own denouncement: yes, all numbers are auspicious … everything is auspicious if we choose to interpret it this way.

Imagine how such an attitude might transform our experience of suffering, for example. Got hit by a bus and broke your leg? Maybe the bus stopped you from crossing paths with a rogue gunman committing a massacre round the corner. Observing a pattern of repeatedly attracting partners who are emotionally unavailable? A good sign that you need to look at your own emotional availability.

And how it might transform our experience of what we previously considered to be meaningless and innocuous. Saw three magpies eating worms on the way home from school? Maybe magpies represent a paternal figure for you, and by observing this behaviour you are reminded that you need to take more responsibility for your own physical and spiritual nourishment ~ this might remind you to have a snack and do some meditation when you get home, instead of having a coffee and cramming for that exam.

Whatever it is, if we believe it to be auspicious, then it is. By taking small signs in the external world to be meaningful messages from Spirit or from the material expression of our unconscious, we begin to open a space in our existence where spiritual meaning can begin to pervade our interpretation of all that happens.

So much of the modern malady is caused by a deep sense of meaningless we all feel to some degree. If we can extract meaning from our daily existence by interpreting reality according to our own organic, ever-growing framework of reference points, we might stop seeking meaning in shiny external pursuits like career, relationships, wealth and status ~ our daily encounters with instances of meaningful relevance will keep us feeling that everything is unfolding according to plan and we’ll feel less inclined to chase meaning externally or to impose our interpretation of reality upon others.

So if you’re seeing patterns that seem not-uncanny, you’re probably on to something and you’ll be surprised by what begins to emerge and how strongly it begins to emerge if you just honour it and trust that you’re learning something.

learning to love, by being loved

We may not be geographically proximate, but I am extra-ordinarily fortunate to have been blessed in this life with a diverse network of friends and like-minded soul warriors who love and care for me. I frequently feel deeply grateful for the presence of each and every one of you in my life. It may be so that I equally frequently drop off the face of the earth for months at a time, either into the bush on my bike or into the dark recesses of a mind with somewhat-depressive tendencies, but when I inevitably come back into the world you are all still there, waiting for me, understanding, being all like, “Oh yeah, Bodhi / Abhi / Painey / Uhn / Ryan / Knob / Grammaticus has been off on some random-arse journey,” and instead of berating me for being a frequently absent and difficult-to-understand friend, you embrace me and say, “Tell me what you learned!” I might have dived head first off this fecking metaphysical roller-coaser a long time ago if I hadn’t known that I am loved by friends as compassionate and real-hearted as you. So yeah, thank you. The way you love me helps me learn how to love myself and others.