Sometimes I dream with such intensity that I wake up feeling like I’ve been in some kinda fist fight. That’s what I thought upon waking this morning. I don’t quite remember the dreams from last night, but they felt significant and I don’t feel rested on a true level. I got 7.5 hours and I feel good enough, but I’m wondering:
if all this psychic energy has been running through me all this time, it’s no wonder I’ve self-medicated a lot ~ this kind of intensity is hard to live with;
or maybe the intensity has picked up since the major restructuring has been happening.
I read something about the cosmology of the Hopi people ~ they understand that as we evolve, things/evolution become/s harder, more challening.
I really like that context. Combined with the idea of Home evolutis, it helps me accept the challenges of modernity. It helps me to stop feeling woe that we have lost the old ways and start feeling excited that we are pioneering something new … not quite unwittingly, but we can’t really know this is going on unless we learn the idea, and only then can we embrace it. Makes sense right?
If as we evolve, things/evolution become/s harder, more challening … then surely things will become more rewarding, because nothing good ever comes easy.
I’ve done a few more journeys since my first experiment, and it’s hard to say whether they have been as effective as the first one seemed to be, because that first one was characterised by such obvious physiological reactions, which I suspect were caused by the more-active breathing I practised.
In the subsequent journeys I have allowed the breath to be more natural, and I think the effects have been more subtle, in the form of dreams. It’s hard to say though, because I dream fairly frequently anyway, and the occurrence of these dreams has coincided with a renewal of a more-active dreaming practice that was independent of these experiments with journeying.
It’s hard to know which factors contribute to which effects, and it’s hard to know what’s what at these early stages of such a practice, because what I am essentially trying to do is find where the veil exists between the waking world and the dream world, between the physical/physiological/neurochemical world and the non-physical/psychological world, between the spirit world and the world of consensus reality. I’m trying to commune with Spirit, and it’s hard to know the difference between when I’m doing that and when I’m communing with the physical realm of brain functions.
It’s confusing territory because I suspect that everything is Spirit, so trying to discern between Spirit and everything else is kinda like trying to discern between two shades of blue: all of our experiences are just different shades of Spirit.
The most appropriate terminology for making this distinction seems to be ‘conscious’ and ‘unconscious’: I suspect that we are mostly conscious of physical/material reality, and Spirit resides mostly (or speaks more loudly) in the unconscious, in the realm of symbols and abstraction.
It also hasn’t helped my confusion that I’ve been experimenting with these journeys immediately before sleep. I’ve done as many journeys in the mornings as I’ve done before sleep, and this morning’s journey helped to relieve some anxiety caused by general non-deliberate sleep deprivation, but the juiciest effects have come in the form of last night’s dreams, which I report below.
~ ~ ~
I am awake prematurely again, and I was pretty grumpy about it, but I seem to have perked up, and I don’t think it’s because of the coffee ~ it helped that when I came down the stairs (after rolling around in bed, debating whether to get up or not), it was exactly 3:00 [my numerological life-path number is 30/3], and as I came off the bottom stair, the clock flicked over to 3:01. I also feel a kind of acceptance, because maybe this is the cosmos moving through me, because maybe I had this dream because I did the shamanic journey before I went to sleep ~
I mean, I often dream anyway, and yes I’m giving more attention to my dreams (by wanting them and by being prepared to interpret them), but there seems to be something significant about how I wake up so fully after some of these dreams … it seems to suggest that their meaning is significant and the Awoken app is chirping away now because I’ve set it to chirp more frequently during these hours to help trigger lucidity in dreams, but also it reminds me that … yes, it just chirped again … yes, the dreams are significant. So, the dreams:
In the first dream (from which I did not fully awake), I was with a lover and another guy in bed, and they had sex but my lover and I didn’t. I was miffed. My lover and I had an interaction afterward, but I don’t remember any of the details except that there was no love between us and she left.
I guess this dream relates to what happened with AJ and Nuff, but the next dream (from which I did fully awake) adds more information:
I was on some low-ish rooftop with a character who seemed to be Pablo from high school. He said that he was going to change jobs.
I said, “But you like your job.”
There was some element of Mum in him, because I immediately thought of her similar pattern, and I started to address him thus, in the same way I would address Mum in the same situation.
Pablo Mum started to make some justification for why he would change jobs, but I interjected to say, “No, I think you’re addicted to something”, perhaps because I had been reading what Russell Brand has written about why we get addicted … perhaps because I was intuiting something from my unconscious (or the spirit world) about why we get addicted, because he made some other attempt at justification but I kept pushing it.
“No, there’s something you get from changing jobs that is more enjoyable than staying in the job you’ve got.” I’m elaborating the dialogue here ~ I don’t think there was this much detail, but this is the gist of what I was thinking in the dream. [3:39]
I was thinking, The process of changing jobs (of going to something new, of running away from the old or from whatever element of the job was not satisfying instead of trying to resolve that dissatisfaction in the job) must release some kind of chemical in the brain that we get addicted to. It’s a kind of workaholism, but may be more appropriately described as jobaholism or job addiction ~ addiction to the ability to go and get a new job.
It gives us great satisfaction to go and get a new job. And then when we’re in the new job, the satisfaction wears off because actually they’re all as mundane as each other. Anyway,
Pablo Mum made some snide comment like, “What, like a job is an EB?”
I wasn’t sure what an EB was, but I realised it was some kind of chocolate bar, and said as much. “Like a chocolate bar?”
He said yes, and I was going to start saying something about how, yes, It’s not the chocolate bar you’re addicted to, it’s the chemicals it turns into or the chemicals it releases in the brain that you’re addicted to, but he then started swinging me around on the office chair I was now sitting in. I told him this was scaring me, and then he threw me off the roof. The chair sailed away somewhere and I landed on my feet on the concrete below. This is when I woke up.
I feel like this dream was a message about addiction … der … but I mean, I feel like it was significantly a message ~ like I went into the dream realm / spirit realm to retrieve this information, which I was already half aware of, perhaps unconsciously aware of.
I think it’s an important insight about addiction. It confirms for me that yes, part of my role … a major part of my role, at least … is helping people to understand the nature of addiction so we can start looking at where in our lives the dissatisfaction is coming from and start to treat the dissatisfaction naturally and healthily rather than disguising it by doing things that release drugs that give us a false sense of satisfaction.
Before I can do this, of course, I need to understand and treat my own dissatisfaction, which I think is why these two dreams came together this night: I am dissatisfied with (among other things) the way romantic and/or sexual relationships have gone in my life, so I have resorted to drugs and other behaviours that give the false sense of satisfaction, which stops me from feeling the need to resolve the original source of dissatisfaction.
[3:54 ~ feeling like there’s not much more to add to this.]
[4:01am4.01.08 ~ looking at a picture of Fred Alan Wolf in shamanic dress and thinking about stopping faffing and getting some work done on Entheotropia]